Five Are A Bunch Of Lamo Preps
by oblivia666
Summary: In which Oblivia Sinister Sadness Deathrattle vacations at Kirrin Cottage.
1. Chapter 1

Oblivia Sinister Sadness Deathrattle sighed sadly and stared out of the window, watching the dark grey skies slide past through a veil of rain. She brushed her long, black hair out of her eyes and sadly hummed an MCR (that's My Chemical Romance to you preppy f--ks) tune to herself.

She was always depressed and often cut herself just to feel the human feeling of pain, but today she was especially depressed because her dumb parents were sending her to England for her summer vacation. She was going to stay with a distant cousin with some stupid name like Georgina who lived in a boring cottage and had adventures with her stupid preppy friends. Oblivia sighed again, and thought about ending it all.

The school bell rang its deathly toll, letting her know that the holidays were officially begun. In twenty-four hours time she would be on Kirrin island. "F--k!" she shouted. The three blondes, Tiffany, Amber and Crystal, who always sat at the front of the class turned to stare at her in shock and she stuck both middle fingers up at them. They all had long blonde hair and blue eyes and looked exactly like Hilary Duff and Britney and wore slutty pink tops, short pink skirts and white socks with pink high heels. Oblivia had waist-length long black hair, black mascara and was wearing a black corset, a black tutu, black stockings and knee-length black boots. "F--k you, you f--king preppy Barbie doll bitches!" shouted Oblivia, and they ran out of the room scared.

Later that night she listened to Evanescence and MCR while cutting herself and thinking about the GC (if you don't know who that is you must be a preppy prep f--k and you shouldn't be reading this dark s--t) concert she was going to miss on Saturday. Finally she sadly cried herself to sleep while thinking about having a knife party with Gerard Way and some hot vampire boys.


	2. Chapter 2

Morning came, and she knew it was time to go to England. She had packed all of her MCR GC and Evanescence CDs and three trunks of black clothes, as well as her favourite knife (for cutting herself with). She put on white foundation, black eyeliner, black mascara and black lipstick, washed down a bowl of Count Chocula cereal with some blood (she was a vampire too) and got into the cab waiting to take her to the airport.

Six hours later she stood outside Kirrin Cottage. It was quaint and a bit gothicy, like in Dracula. She rapped loudly with the big brass knocker that was in the shape of a skull, and soon the door was opened by a curly haired preppy-looking boy.

"Hello -" started the boy, but stopped when Oblivia hissed at him.

"Shut up prep," she commanded, "or I'll bite you. Now where the f**k is Georgina?"

The boy laughed. "That's me."

"No," said Oblivia. "You are a boy. Georgina is a girl."

"I am a girl," said the boy, who was actually a girl. "But thank you for thinking I'm a boy, aren't boys great?"

Oblivia arched one stylish black eyebrow. "You're pretty weird for a prep," she said.

Georgina ushered her inside. There was a log fire burning merrily, but no fire could illuminate the black recesses of Oblivia's soul. Sitting around it were three preppy kids, who Georgina introduced as Julian, Anne and Dick, and Timmy the dog. Julian jumped up and offered out his hand for her to shake, but she just looked at it.

"Well," said Julian, "there's no need to be as mean as all that. Unless you don't have hand shaking in America, of course. It means the same as when you yanks say 'howdy'."

"F--k off," shouted Oblivia. "This is so f--king lame." Her deep green eyes flashed red, and they all backed away. "I'm a vampire, and you're just a bunch of lame English preppy f--ks who sit around listening to Xtina and Destiny's Child."

"I'm not sure I know those ones, are they on the wireless?" asked Dick.

"Shut up you lamo preps. What kind of bulls--t holiday is this anyway?" shouted Oblivia.

"Sure its pretty lame so far, but we are likely to become entangled in some kind of exciting adventure tomorrow," said Julian.

"Woof," said Timmy.

Anne, who had curly blonde hair and big blue eyes, just hid behind the boys and looked at Oblivia with a scared face.

"F--k this, I'm going to bed," said Oblivia. "Maybe I'll cut myself too. And if any of you pervs come into my room I'll kill you." With that she stomped up the stairs, her heavy black boots clomping on each creaking step.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning Oblivia awoke early, at 6-00 am. She brushed her beautifully sleek long black hair and sadly slit her wrists (obviously she didn't die because she's a vampire, you stupid preps). Then she put on an MCR shirt, black velvet gloves that reached up to her elbows, a long black skirt and shiny black stilettos.

Downstairs Julian, Dick, George and Anne were eating breakfast.

"Hello Oblivia," said Dick. "Where have you been? We've been up four hours and you've nearly missed breakfast. Don't worry, there's still sandwiches, ham, bacon, cheese and bread, crumpets and lots of jam and a nice big cake."

"I don't eat any of that preppy English bulls--t," said Oblivia darkly, "have you got any Count Chocula?"

They looked confused. "I don't think we have that here," said George, who looked like a boy. "Is it like cake?"

"No its not like cake you stupid f--king boy-looking prep bitch," shouted Oblivia.

"Would you like a good old lashing of ginger beer?" ask Dick cheerfully.

"No," said Oblivia. The only lashing she knew was the lashing of the cruel whip of fate on her cold, black heart. "I brought my own drink." She took out a bottle of blood and started to drink it, loving the taste of it.

"Ooh, tomato juice," said Anne. "Can I have a bit?"

"Sure," said Oblivia, and watched as the preppy whore tasted it and scrunched her face up in disgust.

"Eww," said Anne, "I think its gone off."

"That's cos it's blood, not tomato juice, you stupid prep f--king bitch," said Oblivia sadly. "Now f--k off."

"I'm going to be sick," wailed Anne, and ran away.

"Hello children," said Aunt Fanny, appearing from the kitchen. "Are you ready for second helpings?"

"Oh yes please," said everyone.

"F--k off," said Oblivia.

"Woof," said Timmy.

Just then Uncle Quentin appeared from his study. "What in f--king blazes!" he shouted. "Some f--ker has stolen my latest invention, a machine that gives people super powers."

"No way," shouted Julian. "This sounds like a job for the Famous Five! And Oblivia, if she wants to come along." He looked longingly at Oblivia's beautiful face, which looked a lot like Amy Lee's face only hotter because she was a real vampire.

"F--k off prep," shouted Oblivia sadly, but she decided to go along anyway because it was better than sitting around in Kirrin cottage.


	4. Chapter 4

"It was probably smugglers or gypsies," said Julian as they walked down the hill to the beach. The sun was high in the sky, but its rays couldn't penetrate the dark clouds surrounding Oblivia's sad soul. There was heather everywhere.

"I vote gypsies," said George. "They're always knicking off with all sorts."

"Wow you preppies are narrow minded racist f--cks," said Oblivia.

"Woof," said Timmy.

They reached the beach. Seagulls circled above, their screeches piercing the blanket of depression that smothered Oblivia's tortured soul. Anne laid out a blanket.

"What the f--k are you doing?" shouted Oblivia.

"I thought we could have a nice picnic," said Anne.

"How about a picnic?" saud Julian.

"Topping idea, Ju," said Dick. "We've got ham and bacon sandwiches, a chicken, lots of jam tarts, some Sherbert Fizz-Wizz and lashings and lashings of ginger beer. Huzzah!"

"But you ate breakfast ten minutes ago," shouted Oblivia. "No wonder your such a bunch of fat f—king lamo prep bitches." She was skinny, but curvy where it counted. She opened her MCR metal lunch tin which she'd filled with vials of blood and drank some while the Famous Five tucked into their picnic.

"Look," said George, "There's a light coming from my island! But we are not there, so it must be smugglers."

"And I'll bet they've got Uncle Quentin's super-power device," added Dick.

"Woof," said Timmy.

They finished eating, and then went behind some rocks where there was a small wooden boat. They got in and Julian and Dick rowed out to George's island. Oblivia sadly stared into the dark murky waters that were a reflection of her tortured soul, and thought about jumping in and ending it all, but vampires can't drown. "F--k," she whispered sadly.

The boat reached Kirrin island. "The light seemed to be coming from over there," said Julian, pointing at an area where there was less bracken than the rest of the island. "Let's investigate."

As they got closer they could hear two smugglers talking in hushed tones. They hid behind a rock and listened.

"What do you think it does?" said one man, who had a raspy voice.

"I don't know," said the other, who sounded slow and stupid. "The sticker said something about super powers."

"We should have tried it out when we had the chance," said Raspy.

"They must have the device," whispered Julian. "We'd better sneak back at night when they're asleep and have a snoop around."

"F--k that," said Oblivia. "Why wait till tonight?"

"We don't know how many big, scary smugglers there are," whispered wide-eyed Anne.

"Alright, you smuggler f--ks," shouted Oblivia, jumping up and startling the two men with her beautiful angry face. "Where's that device you bastards?"


	5. Chapter 5

Raspy reached for a gun, but Oblivia's vampyric reactions were too fast for him. She sunk her fangs into his stubbly neck and drank deep of his essence, shivering as the life force flowed into her. "Argh," he screamed, and slumped dead to the floor.

"Who's in charge around here," she shouted at Stupid, bearing her bloody fangs in a snarl.

"Don't kill me," begged Stupid. "I'll take you to the boss."

He led Oblivia to a cave. The others followed behind, keeping out of sight because they were a bunch of lamo prep bitches. The boss was a pirate with one eye and a wooden leg. "What the f—k!" he shouted when Oblivia came in the cave. "How the f—k did you get in here, bitch?"

"Shut the f—k up," shouted Oblivia, "and hand over that super-powers device or Stupid here gets bitten."

"Don't let her bite me, boss!" shouted Stupid. "She already killed McGilligan!"

"Whatever," shouted the pirate. "I haven't even got the stupid device anyway, because some f—king gypsies came and stole it this morning."

"F--k!" shouted Oblivia, and killed both of them, draining them of blood.

Suddenly a boy walked in. He had long black hair that swept down over his pale face which looked like Gerard Way but skinnier and more gaunt. His eyes were red, and his lips were painted black. He was wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt GC shirt and tight leather trousers. "Cool, you killed my f—king dad," he said in low, sombre tones. "I'm Claudius Darkness Epitaph. Nice MCR shirt, by the way."

"Thanks," said Oblivia, "your GC shirt is cool as f—k too. I didn't know there was any real goths about here, I thought it was all lamo preppies and f—king posers."

"Yeah me too," he said. They frenched for ten minutes before a noise at the cave mouth disturbed their passionate embrace.

"Sorry to bother you," said Dick, "only its getting late and we should be getting back for lunch. "Aunt Fanny will be awfully worried."

"Shut the f—k up you lamo prep f—king a—hole!" shouted Oblivia darkly, and they continued to french each other, their tears mingling together as they shared their endless misery.

Finally they broke their embrace, and Oblivia joined the Five in the fading sunlight outside the cave. Timmy tried to jump up and lick her, so she kicked him in the face. George looked furious, but a single glance from Oblivia's beautiful deep green black-rimmed eyes meant she didn't dare do anything about it.

They rowed back to Kirrin Cottage. Oblivia looked back and saw Claudius standing on the shore, his long black hair blowing about his face in a sudden wind. He was staring longingly after her and cutting himself. She whistled a GC song to herself.

"What are you whistling?" asked Anne. "It's cool."

"You wouldn't understand, prep bitch," replied Oblivia sadly.

Back at the cottage the five ate a lunch of fish, chips, pie, salad and heaps of egg on toast. Oblivia was still full of blood, so she went upstairs and cut herself while listening to MCR and thinking about Claudius.


End file.
